Horror Story
by Tono Radish
Summary: CRACK! FIC! Eren Jeager, a struggling English Student at his University is looking for summer internships at publishing houses. The one he winds up with winds up being less than desirable. Although he does get to work with his favorite Romantic Author Levi Ackerman!
1. Event 1: The Meeting

Everything is so easy in fiction. They meet, they lock eyes, maybe they hit it off- maybe they don't. After a little time and a few event flags- BOOM! They're falling in love. Then one misunderstanding later and a brief explanation followed by a love confession in tears- MARRIAGE! But real life is nothing like that. My name is Eren Jeager and I'm a creative writing major in search of a summer internship. I've applied for random gigs at a few publishers but so far nothing's working out for me.

More important than a summer job- I'm almost twenty and I've never been in love or had a relationship. Yeah there's the passing high school crush but those never last long. My adopted sister Mikasa is a hit with the guys and girls but she's single by choice, my ace queen. Armin, my best friend who is a super nerd, has had a girlfriend and a boyfriend or two… Then there's me. I'm the romantic virgin of the century. There was that one time in freshman year, where I went to a party and people were playing spin the bottle…

Spin the bottle, for those of you who don't know, is an event flag. An awkward first meeting where everyone is a little buzzed or black out drunk. You lock eyes as the bottle lands on you and then you share a tender kiss that will lead you into the depths of love and happiness and internal angst. That shit didn't happen for me because it landed on Horseface Kerstein, or _Jean._ Now Jean was a handsome guy that night, only because I didn't know him. Here's how it went down. My first kiss, I had been hoarding for eighteen years was wasted on him. We kissed and it was cute and he was hot and then he didn't think anything of it!? He never asked me out or anything!? What a load of bull shit am I right!? Ok, I know it's not romantic fiction. But how great of a meeting story would that have been? Our first year of college, our first party, our first kiss, then boom- Marriage. Needless to say I avoided him like the plague after that. Damn Horseface.

Fiction makes everything look so easy and seamless… but that's just quality writings and memes. Why am I sharing this? I'm on the bus to the last publishing house on my list, sharing my musings. If this doesn't work out then I'm screwed. I need a job, maybe not paid right now, but after college I'll need a job that pays. Well, that or I find a sugar daddy willing to pay for my extravagant lifestyle. That's what happened to mom right? Way to go mom, you did what every girl secretly hopes to fall back on. Wait, I'm not a girl though? Curse you gender roles!

The bus stops a block away from a huge building, aka SCOUTING CORPSE LEGAMENT SHINGEKI SWAG BROWS PUBLISHING! IT'S LIKE A PERFECT BUTT, SHINING IN THE MAYHEM OF DOWNTOWN TOWNSVILLE WHERE I LIVE AND ATTEND COLLEG WITH TEMMIE. If you don't know, do you even internet?

As soon as I reached for the door handle it swung open and hit me in the face. I was knocked onto my beautiful butt. I was about to be mad but then I opened my twinkling green eyes and met sweaty crazed nervous blue ones. He was gorgeous to say the least. Blonde hear swept to the side like a wannabe dad. Bushy eyebrows like under the full moon he became the wolfman. A jaw line so defined he could cut cake with it and I'd eat it off his manly chin.

"Are you alright," he asked, trying to catch his breath.

"Everything is wonderful now that you're here," I said in a daze.

He slapped me across the face and looked serious, "get it together soldier. This is war. I recognize that naive grin, you're the applicant for the summer internship- Eren Jeager."

"He knows my name."

"Well, Eren Jeager, plans have changed. One of our best authors has basically died so we need you to serve your publishing industry. Are you in or are you a coward?"

"I am not a coward sir! Where you go I will follow! Be it Helm's Deep or the chapel- I'm your man!"

"Good, because where we're going is far worse than either of those places. We're going to the bachelor pad of LEVI ACKERMAN!"

My eyes bugged out of my head as the mysterious walking sex meat slung me over his shoulder and made his way to a Mercedes Benz, S Class. He tossed me into the passenger's seat and then took the driver's seat. He said Levi Ackerman right?

"Levi Ackerman, as in… LEVI ACKERMAN!? THE FAMOUS ROMANTIC WHO HAS BEEN TOUCHING THE HEARTS OF WOMEN ALL OVER THE WORLD WITH HIS DELICATE AND SENSITIVE CHARACTERS AND MEN MORE MANLY THAN RYAN GOSLING! HE'S HUMANITY'S HOPE FOR DECENT MEN ALL OVER THE WORLD! PICTURES OF HIM ARE SO RARE, MEETUPS EVEN RARER, BARELY ANYONE KNOWS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU HEAR RUMORS LIKE HE'S ACTUALLY SUPER HOT! HOTTER THAN RYAN GOSLING AND RALPH FIENNES COMBINED!"

"Ralph Fiennes?"

"You know, he played Voldemort in Harry Potter. But he's been in tons of other stuff. He's maturing extremely well, if you catch my drift."

"So you're into older guys, then this will be perfect."

"Umm who are you and I'm totally fine being kidnapped by you but I have to wonder why you picked me up to help you would with LEVI FREAKING ACKERMAN- sorry. Me and my mom love him. But like, I was never interviewed or anything?"

"My name is Erwin Smith and I consider myself a good judge of character. Just looking into those virginal puppy eyes I knew one thing was for sure. You are a potential muse for Levi. He's been having trouble coming up with his next novel. He's been wanting to branch into more serious works, you see. That's why I need you."

"He wants me to be his artistic muse?"

Images of me in a sheet being fed grapes on a cloud flashed through my mind. If Levi is as handsome as the trees whisper then this might work out. If Levi isn't handsome then spending more time with Mr. Smith won't be too much a problem either. I win both ways.

"I was his muse before, now I won't be enough. I believe you will be a suitable replacement. Just as a warning, he may try scenes out on you without your knowing."

Romantic scenes right from Levi Ackerman's books? This must be a dream. I raise my hand to my mouth and bite down on its side, where the thumb joints to the rest of my hand. It hurts. I'm awake.

"What was that?" He asked.

"I was just checking if I was awake."

"Couldn't you just pinch your arm?"

"Then what would you have to do?" I winked.

"Cheeky, yes you will be good for Levi. Ah, we're here."

We pull up to a less than glamorous estate or apartment building. Levi Ackerman is a worldwide best selling author, surely he can afford better than the ghetto?

"Levi likes to live where his work will flourish best. He used to live near the rose garden uptown."

"I see," I nodded, "I guess I missed out."

"Not really, Levi is prone to extravagant trips for work or his own interests. Usually I'll have to come along. If he likes you enough, you'll be invited too."

"Seriously!"

"Yes, but Levi hates people. So you'll have to work very hard, do you understand?"

His smile was so poisonous like a blue twix bar but I just wanted to eat it up, "ok."

We walked up to the grungy building and then up the outside stairs. It was a truly crap building, one of the stairs caved in under me. Luckily Mr. Smith caught me. Maybe this building isn't so bad. Erwin Smith smells like peppermint and pomade. I get a good look at his mouth and notice the maticulous blended chapsticks. One of them is for women, slightly tinted pink. That confirms he is at least metrosexual and might be open to men… because I am one hundred percent man with my one chest hair.

He knocked on the door and we waited. No one came. He knocked again and we waited. No one came. I looked up at Mr. Erwin Smith and saw him smiling pleasantly. He raised his hand once more. This time he took the door knob. The door was locked. Something changed in his expression as he lowered himself to the door knob.

"I'll just need to pick the lock," he smiled up at me.

My eyes went wide. What the hell is going on? Then he pressed his mouth to the keyhole and started sucking on it. He moaned a little. Seriously, what the hell am I looking at? He finally moved his face away from the keyhole and spit. He twisted the knob again, it actually opened.

"Still got it, I'll show you sometime," Erwin smiled at me standing up, "after you."

I took my first step into the dark apartment. He smelled weird, like copper and corn flakes, a little bit like my room after some _me time._ Take that as you will. I noticed then how clean the place was, almost in a serial killer way. The door slammed behind me and I couldn't see a thing.

"Uhhh Mr. Smith?"

There was no response. I quietly made my way deeper into the apartment.

"Mr. Ackerman?"

Still nothing. I noticed on the floor trails of red fluid. oh my god, is that blood? It lead into the bathroom. What!? I followed the trail and saw the bathroom door was locked. Someone was inside. It sounded like a baby was crying? How strange. I knelt down to the door knob and gingerly began sucking at the keyhole. I did so until my mouth was filled with some weird fluid. Okay, what the hell kinds of doors are these? I spit and tried the door again. This time it opened.

There was smashed glass and goo all over the floor and it smelled like pickled cabbage. In the toilet was a bloody fetus. It was crying. Oh my god. I heard something shift behind the curtain that lead to the shower/bath. I lightly walked over to it and then quickly moved the curtain. The bathtub was full of blood. I went to throw up in the toilet but the baby was in there so I opted for the nearby trash can.

A ripple. I turned around and slowly emerging from the blood filled bath was a man with a knife.

"You're next," he whispered.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I ran off screaming as loud as I could. He chased me down the hallway. I went to the front door to escape but it was locked. No! It was behind held shut from the outside.

"MR. ERWIN! ERWIN SMITH PLEASE! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!"

I slowly turned around and there he was, a short but terrifying blood soaked man. He was going to kill me. This was going to be the end of it. He and Erwin are working together. I'll never see my mom again.

…

…

Suddenly I snapped. I went charging straight for him and pinned him to the ground and took the knife right out of his hands. He didn't see me coming. That's what she said.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!" I screamed.

"ERWIN! ERWIN QUICK!"

The door swung open the the hallway was filled with light, Erwin only laughed, "he's tougher than I thought."

"WHat!?" I swung my head around to look at him and the man below me took my by the shirt collar and flipped us so I was under him.

"Let me go," I squirmed and cried, "let me go."

"Yeah, not bad. But not good enough," the man said, "alright kid. You're free to go."

He got up and I stared at the two of them, "hold on…"

I remembered how it felt to hold the knife… it was plastic. It was a toy knife. I smelled the blood on my clothes. It was corn syrup.

"... Who are you," I asked the corn syrup soaked man.

His expression didn't change, "I'm Levi Ackerman. You were a great help today."

After that he went back into the bathroom and came back with clean feet and a mop. He started cleaning the bloody footprints on the floor. He looked at my feet.

"Take your shoes off, what are you an animal?"

I looked at Erwin, "He's a bit of a clean freak. Also, his newest novel is going to be a horror/thriller."

"So when you said he was going to try out some scenes on me…"

"You provided ample feedback," he looked behind me to Levi, still scrubbing the floors, "When you've cleaned yourself up we can all go out for dinner."

Levi groaned, "oh, and I was going to go out like this."

"He's joking," Erwin assured me.

Levi left shortly after that and I heard the shower turn on.

"Hey Erwin, I don't think I can do this job. I was hoping for more of a coffee fetcher's job or maybe assistant to an assistant editor or maybe-"

The shower turned off and Erwin gestured for me to turn around. The bathroom door opened again and through the mists of a steamy shower emerged a man. He wasn't just any man. He was around five foot three with naturally black hair, short on the sides, long on the top. He was pale with long slender fingers and big buff man arms. His eyes were a steely grey and his abs were so hot I could fry an egg on them. As he walked across the hallway to another closed door I caught a peek at his back. Holy shit. I looked down his gorgeous muscles and caught a peek at that butt. That was a butt. He slammed the door behind him and Erwin used his fingers to gently close my mouth, with had been hanging open. I hadn't noticed.

"So when do I start," I asked.

 **This originally started off as a serious fic… as they often do… I don't think I'll really continue this one. It was just an idea I had and I hate writing in first person but it was the best way to make Eren's thoughts visible. Hope you liked it. Peace out.**


	2. Event 2: The Not So Casual Dinner

Recap, Levi Ackerman (my favorite author like ever) pretended to try to kill me. I'm currently at dinner with him and his editor Erwin Smith. He still hasn't really talked to me. I imagined dinner with the two most handsome guys I had ever seen would be really amazing. But it's mostly been Levi feverishly penning into a moleskine notebook about god knows what. Talking mostly fell on me and Erwin but Erwin seemed to constantly be testing me and sizing with up with every word and smile. Hollow as that smile may be it's still a perfect smile. I bet his driver's license photo is impeccable. Mine looks like I walked into a glass door.

The waiter kept coming around, asking us if we knew what we wanted. Levi didn't know, I sure didn't know, Erwin didn't look like he cared. I had never been to such a nice restaurant before. It was the kind that had a live singer and a bar that looked like something someone famous might sit at to drink their feelings. I looked at Levi then and snickered, imagine him drinking his feelings. An aloof hot guy sits at the bar, drinking away his past lovers. His white cheeks dusted with pink from all the alcohol. What would he be drinking? He probably drinks manly drinks like Bourbon or Scotch. That body does NOT drink beer, I can tell you that. As he gets drunker and drunker his words slur and he slicks his hair back with his fingers and exposes that sexy forehead. The singer slows down her sad song and a soft applause begins. What a dream and a half that would be, seeing Levi like that. The best events in stories are the hurt/comfort ones mixed with boos then maybe some Plot? What's Plot?

I turned my attention back to the menu. The chandelier clinked above me, I looked up to really take in how big it was and there were several. I decided to lean my head down a little to smell the table cloth. There's no one anyone has ever used it. They must have stock in the back and change the cloths out after every meal as if they were paper. I suddenly wished for some crayons. If they were going to throw it out anyway I might as well get it gross.

"Perhaps some drinks to start," the waiter said, coming around again.

"I think we're ready to order," Erwin smiled, "I'll have the twenty-four karat gold wrapped sushi with a side a of pearls and bacon bling. I'd also like a Jin Tonic. Levi?"

"Yes, I'll have that sandwich thing served with black truffles, gold leaves, gold dust, and and saffron. Then I'd like two ounces of peach schnapps, two ounces of tequilla rose, two splashes of cranberry juice, one splash of lemon-lime soda, topped with a lemon twist. If it's not bright pink then you did it wrong. And you, Kid? Erwin's paying so don't hold back."

My eye twitched as I scanned the menu. What they ordered are actually on the menu!? And Levi ordered such a girly drink!?

"I-I'll have the beer fed cow steak flesh thing- the… Wagyu beef, white alba truffles, foie gras broth, hand braised bean sprouts, and… does that say rare noodles made from blue lobster meat? What the hell is a blue lobster, is that basically a unicorn?"

"And to drink sir," the waiter said, almost making fun of me.

"What was that tone," Levi asked, more like barked.

"Sir," the waiter cowered as I did.

Levi looked up at the waiter through his bangs, "do you know who he is? No? Where have you been? That's Eren Jaeger. Do you know what that means? He's the last prince of Rosenthal. Do you know where that is? That's a fucking kingdom,a secret royal family recently exposed in the media to overthrow a corrupt government. This kid's a hero. He survived the massacre of his family and has lived in hiding for… ten years. This is his last night before he goes to take his rightful place on the throne. Show some respect. Not only has he been through a lot but he's been through it alone. Can you understand that? You will when you see your tip tonight."

"I-I'm so sorry, I had no idea your majesty. I will get our finest wine, on the house."

"Make it champagne," Levi scowled, "I want him to taste the stars."

"Of course sir, I'll be back shortly."

"What was that? Did you call me short? Want me to break your knees?"

"No sir, I'm sorry sir."

"Make it two bottles," Levi growled.

The waiter sprinted off and I stared at Levi, "What was that?"

"You're not old enough to drink right? I didn't want him to card you. That and he was treating you like trash, that wasn't cool."

"Levi," my eyes twinkled, I never knew he was so noble.

"I mean come on," he continued, "doesn't he know the customer is always right? I mean we're paying an ass ton for some bullshit meal. I'd get better service at McDonalds at 2am post 2PAC."

Aaaaaaand there it goes, "anyway I've been meaning to ask, what was that thing in your toilet. It wasn't a real baby right?"

"What? No I rented that from a friend, Hange builds animatronics for movie sets. Their specialty is babies."

"Wow so even you have friends," I said out loud without thinking, "what I meant was-"

Erwin smiled, "Oh look, champaign. A toast, to the great kingdom of Rosencreed-"

"Rosenthal," Levi quickly corrected.

"That's what I said. And to you Prince Eren, without you none of this would be possible."

"Uhhh," I sputtered.

He tipped his glass to me, "spoken like a true gentleman. Bottoms up."

Levi handed me a glass and I raised mine, "bottoms up!"

The waiter ran away again and Erwin smiled, "I'll be running to the restroom. Be right back."

He ran off pretty quickly, and Levi was topping his glass again. I noticed the array of other drinks, some we didn't even order. Levi could sure be scary when he wanted to. But when he was lying even I believed I was a prince. That's some talent.

"Hey Levi," I managed to say, "I didn't mean anything by the friends thing. Erwin said you didn't like many people so… I just didn't think you'd use a word like that."

"An event was triggered," he mumbled looking into his glass.

"What?"

"Oh, sometimes I talk out loud to myself. Don't think about what I say."

"No… I understand. We met and we came here," he looked up at me and I continued, "you stood up for me and now I'm cleaning up a misunderstanding."

He smiled then, a real and probably rare smile, "it seems all I'll ever be good at it writing romance."

I gazed into his eyes and he gazed into mine. We've gone through a lot in just a few hours. Think of the meeting story we could tell people. Levi Ackerman, world famous romantic and extremely talented liar. He was falling for me, I could tell. Stories just go like that. And I was falling for him, there was no denying that. I bet he's imagining me naked right now. Is it maybe correct to assume that romantics fall in love way too easily, they're also quick to hate. I think we're both sides of the same coin, at least tonight we are. Is this one of his scenes he's testing out? Is this one great lie like the last? Do I care?

"Levi I…"

"Yeah, me too," he said leaning across the table to me, I mimicked the action.

"This isn't another one of your tricks is it?"

"No, but I'm going to write down everything that happens tonight."

"For a story?"

"So I don't forget it if I grow old and have alzheimer's."

"And I can read it back to you?"

"And Ryan Gosling will star in the movie version."

"I think that sounds about right," it's a big table.

"SURPRISE MOTHA FUCKA," Erwin smiled.

I flew as far away from Levi as I could to the point where my chair toppled over and I fell on the ground, "royal blood has been spilled on this day."

"Erwin you cock block."

"Levi you cougar."

Erwin laughed and Levi went back to his drinking. Our food came around and- HOLY SHIT THERE REALLY ARE PEARLS AND GOLD DUST EVERYWHERE! I didn't even want to look at the check, I already knew it was basically college tuition. Erwin pulled out a black American Express- holy shit I'm in the presence of rich people. He handed it over like it was pocket change to a homeless man- oh wait- me if I had to pay for any part of this. I'm sure I couldn't even pay for the free water! I swear I'm chugging angel tears tonight.

We left the restaurant and I held Erwin back for a second.

"I'll take the job," I said.

"Oh?"

"Not because of what happened today, well maybe a little, but I think somewhere deep down Levi is troubled and I think I'll be able to help him… with whatever demons and even his writing. I'll learn a lot too, with him, about myself and writing. When the summer's over I hope I'm half the man he is. I hope I'm worthy of triggering the final event."

Erwin smiled, patting my shoulder then cupping my face in his hand in a soft caress, "I knew I wasn't wrong about you."

"This feels kind of inappropriate," I said, half cringing but not too seriously.

Erwin's smile didn't falter, "Perhaps by the end of the summer you'll have fallen for me instead."

"Excuse me!?"

"Oi," Levi called out, scowling as usual, "unlock your shitty car!"

I leapt out of Erwin's hold, he didn't think anything of it. He pulled out his key and clicked it unlocked. That is a Mercedes Benz S Class, that is not a shitty car. Wait, more important than the car- I HAVE TWO HOT MEN IMAGINING ME NAKED!? THAT'S A SERIOUS PROBLEM!

… wait… I have two hot men imagining me naked. I can work with this. Okay, Eren, calm down. Focus on yourself, you're an independent black woman who don't need no man… they aren't men though… they're sex God. I went from zero to hero real quick. No matter which way it goes this is going to be one interesting summer.

 **Fun fact, the food they ate is real food that can be bought in some weird place in New York. Let's see the cooking anime do that shit. I know I said I wouldn't continue and I probably wouldn't have but I wanted to explain some of the last chapter and give Eren and Levi a better ending where they kind of have something in common other than their mutual love for Levi's perfect body. Erwin falling for Eren was always something I had in mind when I wrote the last chapter but then it turned into a crack fic so I decided against it. Here we are in the second chapter and well… here we are. Honestly leave me some comments if you want more of this trash. BYEEEE!**


	3. Event 3: Confronting Senpai

**Hey all, I totally wrote this chapter in class on some paper and then lost it somewhere and found it. It was in my doodle book- a book of doodles and story ideas and other shit. It's never anything super cool, it's really like bored musings of a web comic I always think of writing but then don't. I need to update my abridged series God help me if I ever wanna catch up to abridging senpai TooTsunNotEnoughDere. Why did I mention this? Because this is my section and I'll do as I please.**

Well, I've been working for Levi for about two weeks now and let me tell you, it's not all the glamour and hot man sex I was promised. Levi barely ever calls me. If he does it's a text and it's for coffee or food or cleaning supplies. It's not even kinky, it's like windex and paper towels? Why can't he ask me to buy him a loofa so I can imagine that pink plastic ball of whatever scrubbing away at his steamy skin? On top of that he doesn't even let me into the apartment. The rules are that I drop it on the doormat, ring the doorbell, and sprint to the opposite end of the earth. I just don't understand him.

Two weeks ago we were in love… weren't we? I know I wasn't imagining it. I could always ask Erwin about it? He obviously knows a lot about Levi, they must have known each other for a while now. I should just call Erwin, but what if he's busy? I wouldn't want to bother him… Who am I kidding I don't care if he's busy, I'll bother him. Who knows, if I spend time with Erwin maybe he could fall in love with me. Maybe all three of us could be in love? I'm not sure if that's the story I want to tell.

So instead I called Armin, as it had been a while.

"Hey Armin, it Jeager Bombastic!"

"Hey, one sec, I'm just getting out of rowing."

"Rowing? Like with boats?"

"Yeah, I made the team last summer. I told you."

"Just don't go Social Network on me."

"It's called 'The Social Network,' Eren."

"Yeah, I dropped the 'The.' It's cleaner."

Armin groaned, just like old times. As I listened to him talk about rowing I realized his voice had gotten deeper. He almost sounded like Erwin, maybe he would in a few years. Note to self: get Armin into phone sex.

"You still there?"

"Yeah," I said.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"Well… there's this guy…"

"Levi?"

"What!? How did you know!?"

"I follow you on twitter. Mikasa doesn't even follow you on twitter-"

"Okay, I get it Armin."

"So what's up?"

"Well, I thought Levi would fall in love with me. And he did but then he didn't. He's acting like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me now."

Armin was quite, probably thinking it over, "Well, he's your boss. As a creative he probably just ran with it but as a rational he's probably regretting it."

"Oh…"

He sensed how badly he stabbed me in the back with his damn logic speak, "Or… Uh… Maybe he's been jerking off so much to your facebook profile photo that he's ashamed to actually see you!"

"Yeah, that's probably it. He's cute like that."

"Sure."

"Armin…"

"What is it?"

"I have to confess something…"

"Anything, your secret is safe with me."

I took in a deep breath, this would take courage, "When I last saw him, about two weeks ago our hands bumped and when he wasn't looking I licked the side of my hand where his skin touched. It was so good I wanted to die. I remember thinking 'oh god he's so good, I wish he was sweating.' Is that okay?"

"Eren, you need help. You need to actually go and see a therapist. I have to go now. I'm still your friend and you can call me any time but go seek help. You've officially lost it."

"I knew it… fuck. Well, I'll talk to you later then."

I hung up with Armin and took a seat on my couch and looked at my sponsored merch, a pill. I need to let off some steam before I go crazy. Now… should I listen to Native American religious chanting or… Beyonce's Lemonade? Both have what it takes to send me flying… However I spent like $16 on the album so might as well. I hit play on my phone and an air horn wafted into my ears, bless.

 _Hold up, they don't love you like I love you._

 _Slow down, they don't love you like I love you._

 _Back up, they don't love you like I love you._

 _Step down, they don't love you like I love you._

I threw my shirt off and bopped to the beat before slowly breaking it down. Are my curtains closed? Cool. I started wigging out, jumping on furniture. I gave myself scoliosis with the way my spine was bending. If anyone was watching I'm sure it would have been hot or awkward as shit.

 _What's worse, lookin' jealous or crazy?_

 _Jealous or crazy?_

 _Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately_

 _I'd rather be crazy._

Just when it was about to be lit fam my phone hot line blinged and I leapt for it. It was Armin, shooting me a text. NOT NOW ARMIN CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO WORK OUT MY OBSESSIVE FEELINGS!? Oh god… I hope he can't see me right now. He walked in on me once in high school and it was awkward for everyone.

"If it's really bothering you then why not just go to his place and make him talk to you? You said you can pick the lock, right? Try not to think too much, you were never good at that."

Thanks jack ass.

"And I know you, Eren. _Don't think about what will prolong the story line._ Go and talk to him."

I stared at the text on the screen. What did that mean? Don't think. Don't prolong the story. Go and talk to him. I guess it affects my life as much as his, it's not too bad to simply ask him why he keeps Alicia Keysing me.

"I I I Keep on falling in and out of love with you!" I sang picking my clothes up off the floor. I put my shirt back on and grabbed my keys and wallet. So I was going to Levi's place. I walked over to the bus stop and waited up. It showed up after about ten minutes. I sat on the bus and played with the sticky on the floors and remembered how on the news people were getting STDs from bus seats. I would have to burn these jeans later, I guess.

I got to Levi's place and realised after sucking off his door knob that he changed the locks. I friendzoned by the door. I stared at the door and contemplated kicking the door down but truthfully I don't want to break my legs trying. I need them to get freaky. But then I noticed some weird scratches in the edge of the door. It looked like Elvish.

"What's the word for friend in elvish… ummm… Watermelon- I mean Mellon."

The lock clicked and opened, "Is Levi worth this bull shit?"

I opened the door and peeked in, "Levi, you home? Of course you're home, you're a shut in. Why is it so dark in here? Did you finally decide your books would sell better if you committed suicide? I know that's a popular trend but your books sell fine as they are now. I mean, your place is pretty swee-"

I bonked into a surface and rubbed my nose, groping for a light switch. I found the clicker and lit up the hallway only to scream at the sight of my own reflection- that is to say the apartment had been turned into a mirror maze… was this another one of his stupid traps? No…

"Levi… did you get lost in your own trap?"

He didn't respond but I could feel him tensing up, "Alright, I'll come look for you. How long have you been stuck here?"

"About two days," he finally responded.

"WAIT SERIOUSLY!? WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FOR HELP!?"

"I left my phone in the kitchen…"

"Alright just give me a second to find you."

I felt around the mirrors trying to find Levi but, "Levi?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm lost too."

"For fuck's sake."

"I'll just call Erwin."

"No, don't call Erwin," he hissed somewhere in the maze.

"Why not?"

"He'll just laugh at us."

"You sound just like a kid."

"You sound just like a brat."

"At least Erwin's laugh is sexy."

There was a pause. I pulled my phone from my pocket ready to call Erwin when I heard levi mumble loudly enough for me to hear:

"... Call him but put him on speaker."

I called Erwin and explained the situation to him and as promised he laughed. I got tingles and I could feel Levi's chills. Damn I'm a thirsty bitch. I pulled a smol water pistol from my pocket and took a drink. Refreshing. Now that my mouth was moist I would be able to speak clearly to Levi through the endless mirrors.

"So like, Levi… do you like like me anymore?"

"What?" His voice sounded like a bored car horn.

"Two weeks ago we were in love, you know. I loved you and you loved me and that was cool. But now we're not."

He didn't say anything so I egged him on.

"Like if you're not feeling it that's dank kush but let me know so I can come down from the high and hit rehab cuz you touched me by accident and I licked it off and sometimes I thinking about breaking into your water tank so I can drink your dirty bath water and I'm shutting up now."

"Were you talking? I was doing some writing."

"Oh, no. Not really. Just do you still wanna be baes?"

"What, cuz I haven't messed with you for two weeks? Well, I'm glad you asked rather than pointlessly marinating in it like a limp chicken breast. Characters who waste time on things that don't matter aren't interesting, and it's lazy writing. As for getting with you, I don't think I can. I want to work in this new genre and the more time I spend with you the more I want to write romance. I have a folder of shit just you have inspired. I want to write a horror story, do you understand?"

"That's dumb."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?"

"You're going on at me about being lazy, what about you? You write love stories all the time, you know what this is. It's not me, it's a sign of something bigger that will come along in a later chapter if there are later chapters. For now if you like me you like me. What do you want to do about that because if you can't even look at me as just your coffee boy then this boi is about to get the fuck out oh shit what up!"

Levi didn't say anything. I was too afraid for what he'd have to say. Was he writing again? Maybe he was the chicken breast now? It didn't matter because Erwin announced himself then. Before I could react I heard shattering glass. Was he punching the mirrors down? He found me first. The mirrors around us exploded and I realized it was his muscles bulging through his dress shirt exploding the mirrors. The buttons acted like bullets and fuck he was glowing! He scooped me up and blew up a few more mirrors until he found Levi and scooped him up. I groped his biceps and fuck. Those boulders could crush a village. His arms are stones cloaked in silk. Fuck me up. Erwin carried us to safety but I still have yet to hear Levi's response.


End file.
